Hi. I’m drunk and mad and sad and I don’t want this to end.
The whole journey back to my bed was so bad that I alsmost threw up seven times
Seven times I’ve fallen in love, or, what is love(?), with something woman-like that rejected me like I was the person that I tried to be.
I tried to be the person that I wanted to be and once I am the MAN, the person I want to be, I want to be someone else.
I am hungering, longing, searching for someone or something. Something to hold on to. Someone who judges me and judges me like I am.
But I don’t seem to be that person who is judged like the person I am.
I am becoming a joke, and I am having a harder time laughing along. I laugh because I like to laugh but not because I’m funny.
I’m sad and drunk and longing for someone.
People, nice people, people I love, have told me that they believe without doubt that I’ll find someone. Oh I BELIEVE that aswell. But I am not a clever man. I want my instant gratification NOW. I want someone NOW.
I want to sleep in someone’s warm embrace, I want to embrace her and her alone and know that she chose ME out of all the fat stupid losers that roam this fucked up world.
I want someone to choose me and tell me she chose for me because I’m worth it. I’m worth every oxygen molecule that I’m turning into carbondioxide, I am worth the shit and piss and human waste that is excreted by me every day of every week of every year.
You have these people that believe they are not worth to be loved and they are not loved and they deserve love. I am a monster. I believe I should be loved and that I deserve love, but I am not loved. Not loved like the love I am longing for.
I am a cruel, vain boy, who seeks short-term gratification in little, stupid satisfactions.
But I need her and I need her now more than ever, when I’m drunk and tired and sad and bad and I need her now more than ever.
I don’t eve trust my judgement because I have become so desperate. So desperate to be loved by someone, and here’s the kicker, who deserves to love me. I am a cruel, vain boy who believes, BELIEVES, he deserves someone smart, and funny and beautiful and that’s where it all goes wrong.
Every step that I take in the right direction, at the intersection, without self projection, turns out to be a misstep, because all those other fat stupid losers or lovers DO SEEM TO BE LOVED.
I can love you more. I’ve been saving it up in a little jar of emotions and fears and doubts and LOVE. So much love that I can’t seem to get rid of it.
I am desperate. My muse has left me and my love is a stranger that I don’t connect with.
If there is any omnipotent diety, some fucking stupid ideal of purity and wisdom, then it would have given me this:
A girl, a woman who chose me, out of all the fat, stupid losers that roam this fucked up world. She chose me because she saw something.
I am waiting to be saved. I am superman without any powers and Louis Lane won’t even look up when I’m storming out of the phone-booth jumping to emulate flight.
I am a cruel, vain boy who need this. Please. Allah, Vishnu, Janweh and Thor, I’m sometimes happy, but I want more.